I had the pleasure of giving a talk last week to a group of women at a Women's Empowerment Summit in New York. Here are some excerpts:
***
What is does it really mean to say “no”?
It’s about setting
clear boundaries. Boundaries are fundamental for keeping us safe and supporting
our well-being. We learn as we are growing up and teach our children - stranger
danger, what is inappropriate behavior by adults and other children, to stay
away from other children who are not good playmates. We hope that we (and our
children) learn how to keep ourselves safe and well.
Two year olds learn
to say “no!”. If there is something they don’t like, they scream NO, and it
helps them to feel powerful and able to set limits. It is the natural
foundation for establishing independence and autonomy. Saying “no” establishes
boundaries and gives us power.
So why, as adults,
are we afraid to say "no"? Why do we think we don’t deserve to
protect ourselves? Or like we have to take on everything that is asked of us?
Because whether it is biological or socialized (or perhaps a mix of both),
women in particular are more likely than men to be “people pleasers”, and we do
not want to disappoint. Saying no feels too much like giving up someone’s approval
- we don’t want to lose the client, feel rejected, or be disliked. However, not
saying “no” once may feel like a small thing. But over time, not saying “no”
becomes a habit, which is a major problem.
When we say yes when
we really ought to say no, we allow our boundaries to be invaded, making the
other person more important than ourselves. It also diminishes the value of the
things we truly WANT to say yes to. To truly give generously, one must have
good boundaries.
When setting
boundaries:
Be
clear about your limits
– allow no one to make demands on you, only requests;
Discomfort
is a signal
of an attempt to invade your boundaries. You know it even if they don’t. Do not
say yes under these conditions. Say no and mean it;
Exercise
your freedom of choice
– if you take on another’s troubles, you probably aren’t free to make choices
in any part of your life.
When
you do not have tight boundaries, you risk compassion fatigue and burnout.
Compassion fatigue
and burnout can occur when we engage in emotionally challenging work, but do
not sufficiently protect our own boundaries or replenish our energy at the rate
that we expend it. Some experts suggest that people who are attracted to
caregiving work are already compassion fatigued.
Accepting the presence
of compassion fatigue in your life only serves to validate the fact that you
are a deeply caring individual - that’s the good news. However, somewhere along
your healing path, the truth will present itself: you don't have to make a
choice. It is possible to practice healthy, ongoing self-care while
successfully caring for others.
How
to Say NO
Be willing to have
the courageous conversation if needed to reinforce your boundaries. We have to
TEACH others how we want to be treated.
Here
is my cheat sheet with some examples of how to say no gracefully:
“I wish I could, but
it’s just not possible right now. Thank you for thinking of me.”
“I hate saying no to
you, but I really must this time.”
If
you don’t have time now but might want to say yes some other time:
“I’d love to help you
with this, but I just don’t have the time. Please let me know next time this
comes up, and maybe our schedules will be a better match then.”
Or:
“I would like to
help, but I’m already over committed. How else might I support you?”
Where do you need to
say no right now?
Refrain
from explaining yourself. You are entitled to say no without having to justify
it.
If there is something
you’re willing to do, say yes, but choose wisely.
What are you are willing to
do and can do gracefully, WITHOUT RESENTMENT?
***
"'No' is a complete sentence." ~Oprah Winfrey
Halona Patrick Shaw, LCSW, JD
Board Certified Life Coach
Eyes Turned Skyward, Inc.
halona@eyesturnedskywardcoaching.com
ph/text (917) 846-7784
Board Certified Life Coach
Eyes Turned Skyward, Inc.
halona@eyesturnedskywardcoaching.com
ph/text (917) 846-7784