Accountability

Modeling is a large part of coaching. As a coach, I am committed to modeling the behaviors that my clients express the desire to have. In wellness coaching in particular, coaches are expected to model good eating habits, engage in regular physical activity, and have a good self-care routine so that self-care clients can see that it can be done and even see examples of how they can go about doing it.

Accountability, on the other hand, is an experience for the client. Much of a successful coaching partnership resides in the fact that the coach provides accountability for her clients. For example, an individual is more likely to thrive with a new nutrition or activity plans if she has someone to whom she is accountable (There is extensive research to support this conclusion). I know from personal experience, the only times in my adult life that I have been consistent with any gym membership was when I went to the gym with someone, or knew that a friend or trainer was waiting to meet me there. I used to get to the gym at 6:15 AM, get in a good workout, shower and make it to work by 8 AM.

Those days are long gone. I have children, a husband, a dog and a cat, all of whom need my assistance and attention in the morning. I have to get the kids up and going in the morning. I have to make breakfasts and lunches. I am sleep-deprived – I need those extra two hours of sleep. I run a business, I am on the PTA, I serve as an officer on two different boards.

These are my excuses.

We all have them. When we don’t have accountability, the excuses prevent us from having the things we say we want. But we also do not make the changes we truly desire.

Two physicians have told me that I carry too much weight. I would be happy to shed ten pounds, although both docs have indicated that I would be healthier if I were, well -- more than ten pounds lighter. Their numbers sound overly ambitious to me, but they are the experts.

So, this is what I have done: before I could talk myself out of it (tuning out the gremlins), I responded to an email and I signed up for a six-week boot camp. It begins on Monday, November 4^th. The group meets at 6 AM, four mornings a week. When I signed up, I committed to provide before and after pictures for the boot camp website (EEK!).

My clients are all looking to make some kind of change. Toward the end of most coaching sessions, I ask my client two questions: to what are you committed, in order to make this change? And, how would you like to be held accountable?

This is my commitment: I will attend 6 AM boot camp on as many weekdays Ted is in town to get the kids going in the morning. My goal is greater health and strength, though I will be happy to drop a dress size or two.

My accountability: YOU are going to hold me accountable. I am not asking you to do anything. But having made this public declaration, I am now accountable to you. I commit, also, to posting before and after pictures here at the end of the six weeks (I thought about posting a before pic now, but instead I’ll go for the big reveal).

What is it that you have been putting off? Exploring a new career path? Uncovering you true passion – something that is more aligned with your life purpose? Finding your way to a healthier YOU? Developing a self-care routine that better honors your body, mind and spirit?

What can you commit to today?

How would you like to be held accountable?

***

 

“If you talk about it, it's a dream, if you envision it, it's possible, but if you schedule it, it's real.”
~Anthony Robbins

 

Halona Patrick Shaw, LCSW, JD

Board Certified Life Coach
Eyes Turned Skyward, Inc.

halona@eyesturnedskywardcoaching.com
 ph/text (917) 846-7784

The Art of Responsible Procrastination

It’s official. I’m a worn-out woman.

The kids spent the better part of two weeks with some kind of stomach flu. Isaiah got the worst of it. I won’t elaborate any further - except to say that there were some really urgent trips to the bathroom and a lot of cleanup.

When the kids are home from school, I get very little done. I’m sleep-deprived (what else is new?) and feeling behind in my responsibilities. The house is a mess.

With Isaiah finally back to school today, and I was so looking forward to the two hours I would have to myself this morning so I could get back to work.

So when the house was empty and I had the first moment of peace in some time, I knew I have settled down with my computer and to do list (I still wasn’t going to start with cleaning) and get some much-needed work done.

Instead, I gathered some craft paints and brushes, my iphone and earbuds, and I painted this on Isaiah’s bedroom door:

 

and this on Amali’s bedroom door:

 

Isaiah loves all things red. And he loves Elmo (who doesn’t?) so I knew it would be a hit.

Amali is currently obsessed with the movie Monsters Inc., and she has been asking me to paint her door look like Boo’s door. Much aside, if you haven’t seen Monster’s Inc., I HIGHLY recommend it. It is great for kids, but I wouldn’t hesitate to watch it without them.  It is a wonderful story about how joy is far more powerful than fear. SO worth it.

Anyway, it felt really good to sit on the floor, listen to my favorite music, get a little dirty and DO something – and I knew that my kids would be totally psyched when they saw it.

Isaiah chanted “Elmo! Elmo!” when he saw his.

 

 

When Amali saw her door, she hugged it and said, "I want to keep it forever! Even when I die - I'm going to unscrew it and take it with me!" Now THAT was worth it.

Thankfully, I’m feeling a little less worn out. I still have a to do list, but I am not bound by it – it is all within my control.  THIS project was important for me today.

By the way – it’s no brilliant creative work – but it gave me a few moments to myself, I enjoyed it, and it made them smile. I also know that doing something I enjoyed during those two hours made me a better mommy when the kids got home from school.

Practicing responsible procrastination can help to put a to do list into perspective. We are overloaded, overscheduled, and stretched to the limit.

Take some time to consider your commitments and decide what is urgent and what can wait.

What would happen if you dropped everything to go visit with a friend?

Or let go of some shoulds and oughts for some fun time with your little ones?

In fact, what can you strike off your to do list entirely?

What might be called procrastination* could actually be really good medicine for your soul.

***

The darn trouble with cleaning the house is it gets dirty the next day anyway. So skip a week if you have to. - Barbara Bush

*Procrastinate responsibly

Eyes Turned Skyward, Inc.
Personal and Executive Coaching
halonashaw@gmail.com
 (917)846-7784

Spark of the Divine

“Before you were born, God planned this moment in your life. It is no accident that you are here right now. God longs for you to discover the life God created you to live – here on earth, and forever in eternity.”*

 

That is how I began a recent workshop for women on Purpose. I was fascinated to find that out of more than 50 participants, only three were willing and able to share what they believe their purpose to be.

 

Lately, many of my coaching conversations lead to the question of purpose. Life purpose, God’s purpose –however you choose to frame it, there are so many among us who are longing to find their meaning – their purpose - and to discover what they are on earth to do.

 

We are forever searching for deeper meaning. It is just the nature of us. For those who are really getting into examining their own lives and purpose, it is not a passive exercise.

 

The question often comes simply as, how do I know if I am living on purpose?

 

Good question.

 

Your purpose is your North Star – it is what calls you forth, and speaks to what will be your legacy when you leave the planet. It is what stirs you up when you think about it, and even more when you engage in it.

 

Consider these questions:

 

What is the hunger I am here to feed?

 

What pain can I ease?

 

What is the teaching I am called to do?

 

Where (or what) is the building I have the tools to build?

 

You have God-given gifts – finding your purpose means saying yes to being more engaged in your own life and using what you have when you are called to do what you can to uplift humanity.

 

Sometimes thinking about our purpose feels grandiose and immodest. But I say that when you live small, you are cheating yourself and the world of what you have to give.

 

 

You have a spark of the Divine in you. Play a bigger game - and don’t underestimate the impact that you can have on the world.

 

***

 

You are not here merely to make a living, you are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget that errand. –Woodrow Wilson

Eyes Turned Skyward Personal and Executive Coaching
halonashaw@gmail.com
(917)846-7784

*Excerpted from Acknowledgements, A Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren

Gremlin, Gremlin, Go Away...

A few weeks ago, I was approached by the chairs of the Deaconate and Trustee boards, who asked me to make an announcement at church the following Sunday. We have a relatively large congregation – and on any given Sunday, the sanctuary will fill up to its roughly 1500-seat capacity. The announcement would only take a minute or two – and I was asked to put my own “personal touch” on the last appeal for fund for a new church library. I said yes, without hesitation.  Before the brief conversation was over, my heart was pounding, I had so-called “butterflies” (not so pretty) in my belly, and my palms began to sweat.
 
Fears? Sure, I have them. The worst for me is the relationship I have with performance anxiety, or “stage fright” that has plagued me for the better part of my adult life. It translates into challenges taking tests, and borderline terror before public speaking engagements. I'm told that I cover up the anxiety well. I love to hear that because it takes some of the pressure off – but only some. Not enough to stave off the stomach knots or to keep from feeling like my heart will pound right out of my chest.

I used to decline requests or invitations to speak in any kind of public setting. It just wasn't worth the horrible feeling in the moments before. I confess – I used to “borrow” beta blockers – you know the kind that you find in prescriptions for hypertension. There were speaking opportunities I could not graciously decline – like work obligations, hearings and depositions, and so forth. The pills, too, took the pressure off the anxiety, but not enough for me to really get comfortable beforehand.

Sometimes I think of it as some kind of equivalent of body dysmorphic disorder – like what they say Michael Jackson had – when a person has irrational and distorted images of themselves. For me, it’s not at all about my body. It’s that internal dialogue – the gremlins in my mind that tell me no matter what I do, what I’ve accomplished, no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. What is that about?? We all have it – and those gremlins attack us in our most vulnerable moments.

Now I say yes, almost every time I’m asked, so I can preempt my gremlin before it presses me to say no. It’s my way of facing the fear. It has to be a conscious decision – I don’t want to be a slave to it any longer. I listen instead to the voices of those supporters - friends and family, who tell me – “you were nervous? It doesn’t even show!” or “you are so graceful!”, I use those voices to supercede the nasty little gremlin in my head, telling me I’m not good enough.

The fear response is a very real, very powerful experience intended to protect us from danger. If there was a woolly mammoth charging at my babies, that response would be critical. But when the fear is not a threat to physical safely, understanding it is not always so simple. Do we need to understand the underlying cause? I’m not convinced that it matters. It may be more important how we choose to respond. The best that we can do is to face the fear – shine a bright light on it and view it with new eyes. It is amazing what happens.

So, what am I really afraid of when I stand in front of the congregation to make an announcement in church?! That I will make a mistake and be embarrassed? Okay -- so what? That I will be rejected...abandoned...that I would die? Hardly. But when I remember that the fear itself is so much worse than the reality of it, the possibilities become endless.

When we stretch ourselves, and move out of our “comfort zone”, we discover strength we didn’t even know we had.

When you face your fear head-on, what are the possibilities?

“Life only demands from you the strength that you possess. Only one feat is possible – not to have run away.” – Dag Hammerskjold

Eyes Turned Skyward Personal and Executive Coaching
halonashaw@gmail.com
(917)846-7784

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.


II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It will take a long time to get out.


III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it is a habit...but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V. I walk down another street.

***

There are many aspects of life that are not within our control. But what about those that are? We always have a choice: we can choose the status quo or we can change it - if our present way of doing things does not bring us joy, or satisfaction, or serve our life purpose.

What if you change your way of thinking? What if you change your mind?

"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Eyes Turned Skyward Personal and Executive Coaching
halonashaw@gmail.com
(917)846-7784

Put on Your Own Mask First

When you fly, do you listen to the flight attendant’s instructions before you take off? Sometimes, if I’m in the exit row, I read the card about how to open the door on that particular aircraft before our departure –but that’s about it. If you fly often enough, you probably don’t pay much attention to how to fasten and unfasten your lap belt, where the exits are, or that there are little lights along the aisle floor that will lead you to the nearest exit.  How many times have you heard the flight attendant, when giving emergency preparedness instructions, direct you to put your own oxygen mask on first, if you are with a child or beside someone who needs assistance, in the event of the loss of cabin pressure? It is a simple notion, really – if you pass out from lack of oxygen, are you of any use to anyone else?

The same goes for those of us who care for others every day. In the business, we call it “Self-care for Helping Professionals” – it is a specialized practice geared toward those of us who spend our days, particularly in our places of business, pouring our energy into others. At Eyes Turned Skyward Coaching, the list includes therapists, lawyers, teachers, ministers, medical professionals, and stay at home moms and dads. Do you fit into one of these categories? The list is by no means exhaustive. But it is a reality in caring for others that we tend to neglect ourselves. Why do we do it? The reasons are different for each of us.

One client (who gave me permission to share her story), who is a labor doula, shared a recent experience attending a birth, where she spent the day laboring with the mother, but did not take any breaks for herself – she did not eat or stay hydrated – ensuring that the new mother had all that she needed, but neglected herself in the process. Together we were able to develop a plan that would make certain that she will be prepared in every way possible to keep up her own strength while she attends future births.

Some solutions may seem obvious, but it’s not always that simple. For example, how does a pastor or a rabbi keep the Sabbath when ministry happens everyday?  How does a stay at home mom or dad carve out time to take care of oneself, when charged with every aspect of sustaining children – well beyond the hours of a typical “fulltime” job?

Are you at risk of burning out?

As a coach, I partner with my clients to identify ways to better care of oneself - to establish a wellness routine, make a plan for stress reduction – even find ways to put fun back into life. Our lives, at work and at home, are so much more satisfying when we establish a self-care plan that works for us.

Are you willing to put on your own mask first?


"If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." Jimmy Durante


Eyes Turned Skyward Personal and Executive Coaching
halonashaw@gmail.com
(917)846-7784

What Weighs You Down?

Last week, the New York tri-state area was battered by Hurricane Sandy – a “super storm” that developed when the hurricane collided with a Nor’easter. The fortunate ones among us only lost power. Some families lost their entire homes to flooding or fire. Big, old oak trees were ripped from the ground, down to their roots. Some looked like they snapped like matchsticks. It was a true disaster and the recovery has been slow.

 

With each thunderous gust of Sandy’s winds, I peeked out into the dark night to check on the little dogwood we affectionately refer to as “Grumsie’s Tree”. It was planted a little more than one year ago in memory of my mother and father.  I was concerned that it might snap, as so many of the larger trees did.  After the worst of the winds had subsided, I was heartened to see that the little tree - that is for me a symbol of strength and love – was still standing strong.

 

Yesterday, another Nor’easter hit – this time bringing with it rain, sleet and high winds, followed by snow. Our house and yard are blanketed by several inches of very wet snow.

This morning I was the one  to fire up the snow blower to clear the driveway so that Ted could get himself, and the kids, to school on time. I fired up the machine for the long meander down the drive.  On one of the last passes up the driveway, I caught a glimpse of the Dogwood. This time, the tree was heavily weighted by the pressure of very wet snow. Its little branches, that still have a few leaves left, were hanging down, almost to the ground.

I parked the snow blower and trudged through the surprisingly deep snow to the tree in the middle of the yard, and began to shake the snow from each of the limbs. I was worried, of course, that the limbs may snap. As I shook each little limb, and the snow fell to the ground, the limb rose up, as if it was being pulled, upward. With each limb, I was amazed–it seemed like there was a force that was pulling each limb skyward, and with the release of each clump of snow, the tree sprung naturally toward the sky – stretching up tall and strong, to the place it was intended to be.

 

It made me think about how we respond when we shake off the heavy burdens, or remove the obstacles – from our hearts, our minds, our spirits.

What storms in life weigh us down?

How would life be different if you woke up tomorrow morning and the heavy burdens that weigh your spirit down, were lifted? What would your life look like?

What would you have the freedom to do?
 

 "Don’t wait for something big to occur. Start where you are, with what you have, and that will always lead you into something greater." - Mary Manin Morrissey

Eyes Turned Skyward Personal and Executive Coaching
halonashaw@gmail.com
(917)846-7784